I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
