theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
