My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
