Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
