I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
