This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
