you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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