Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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