He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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