so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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