Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
