I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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