We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
