I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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