**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
