I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
