My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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