were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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