So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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