I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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