Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
