Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
