So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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