wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
