Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
