I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
