remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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