Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
