Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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