The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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