i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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