I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
