You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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