Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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