At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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