by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
