Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
