i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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