I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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