my soul wont recognize me after tonight
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
