she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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