so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
