even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
