I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
