i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
