I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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