When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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