woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
