at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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