My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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