i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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