He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
