i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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