I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
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