Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
