Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
